How much I want you, I want this to work.
But it's karma you don't know how hard I work for our life. Your life to be comfortable.
You don't see me so you don't see this isn't me.
We aren't twins, we are karmic toxic humans
And right now I am as angry as I am sad.
You show me no hope in us, you could care less.
Now I see
You just need to be free to find yourself that you are
That doesn't love me
So I strongly dislike everything in this moment. Taylor blew up my Thanksgiving in a way that's hard to describe. He told me that we would have our own holidays then agreed to go to his family dinner then waited until the last minute to change it so I am weird for not just going.
Now they will be here all day Friday visiting but couldn't make it on Thanksgiving. I just hate that on top of the actual reality sucks.... he said that if he were interested in someone he would have to get to know her before knowing if she was worth leaving his wife for?! What is wrong with me? Why would the universe leave me here? With this fucking monster attached to me? With no real friends or support? I am a sister to the world. I love and love. Why this? Why me?
It's the same life the same story. The poor me.
Why can't I just be me?
Rainbow Brite happy and riding 🌈 living on ☀
not anger. Not hate just love. No strong likes or dislikes..
Just a thumbs up here or there. A pat on the back when it actually was a good job. You know honesty to say life is perfect AND it sucks hard. You did it but it was nothing
My brother Rick has always been a guide, sage, big brother. We were at the playground at about 6 and 9 and there were a group of boys playing soccer. I wanted to play but they were really mean towards girls. My brother made me feel better, put a hat on me and we went back to the park. He introduced me as his brother Chris and we started playing soccer. Didn't matter if I was a girl, they didn't notice until my hat fell off. At this point it became an angry mob of little boys swearing they would kill us. We are finally at home and I ask my brother Rick what now? How will we live? How will we play at the park? These kids want to kill us and mainly me? He was so serious, 'they will forget by tomorrow'. And he was right. I didn't dare ask to play anymore but they forgot me and wanting to kill me and I played girl stuff. And forgot about playing soccer for awhile.
Today today is a hard day and I know it doesn't feel like it. We have made progress. This life is good. Because we made it that way. Christina you have stayed positive through some really ugly things and you're beautiful regardless of how you're treated or how you allow yourself to be treated while your spirit is unhealed and unsettled. We are perfect how we are even though it doesn't feel like it today.
Everything is ok even though it doesn't feel like it today.
Do u remember me yet? I didn't meet you at the mall when I was 15. I don't know the details but this has been going on for eons.
But I don't know if that means it's time for a change to you but it will never change that I'm woke and I miss you on the beach of Life taking it all in with me. It is the journey that I want to end my destination with and I want to get old with you finding agates and filling our pockets like children every day. Even though our bodies lie and say we are 100 million years old. We laugh and splash and remember when we were so young.
Maybe you will meet me later. Awake and ready to do whatever it takes to be whole with me but right now we both lose and egos win.
someday maybe. In this life we were too much too fast. And young and dumb. But please wake up and meet me later. Wish I knew you when I was older in this life. I just couldn't wait until the right time. I fucked up but meet me later when we are healed and woke. Meet me at Waffle house and we can talk it out. We can move to a cabin by the sea.
We could treasure things like coffee and ganja on the porch in the morning. Our old bodies loving wake and bake more than ever. It would be a joy to be in your presence again.
I let go because everything is telling me I lost u now. Already I fucked up.
And it's healing for both halves that we may never wake up and hold each other again in this life. I may never run my fingers over your eyelids. So now you still don't know me in this life but I don't really care.
But you know women and pleasure. You are a beast. A silver fox but not mine. You are yours. And you can howl at the moon all night long alone. But not with me we are unpacked and wild and free from each other.
And I am mine. And I have to feast on blood and flesh until my pack my children and I are born new and well fed. And I promise to wait for you. And want for you like nobody else can
But I don't know if I can..
You belong to you and I am not a cougar but lioness out for what my family needs. And protecting my kin.. Hunting to get my feast. I am the preying mantis and the butterfly too. The Phoenix and dragon that will not be reduced to a fly sized being to fit you now. Your love me whole and radiant and I love that too In you. Meet me there in the future.
If you dare.
But I will miss you and wish it could have worked here and now. You are my moon. Been visited I know you exist because people have been there and planted a flag. There is moondust from the boots of real astronauts. There is no denying you are real and tides rise and fall when you are full and powerful. But whisper when you are low and I can ignore you and forget I am still a survivor on your island
I am the sun. So intense its hard to not just radiate at a distance but I am alone and no one can reach me. I am alone and feel lonely but look angry and dangerous but I keep providing light and life as I implode daily. And nobody even notices because I look dangerous and unreachable everday. Everyday I am ready to be alone in the darkness, noticing I already am. Alone in the sunspot
We are a powerhouse that people envy when you are awake. And I will wait but not with you. And I hope she comes to soothe you. But won't be me now. I will be waiting and hunting until you are mine again. Protecting my kin.
I will never give up fighting for peace. You deserve peace and so do I. You are my other half and I will wait on the otherside like you waited for me.
Next life still some random place but it will be
more true because of what I am doing here and now. And I won't feel the need to drop my panties so fast to make you see me because instead of seeing me.. it made you see me like all the stupid girls. Not worth your awakening. Not who I am. I was just waiting for you but
Not worth your time and you definitely not worth mine.
I am enough. I've worked hard enough and long enough and done as many push-ups as it took. I am strong for the life I am given. Everyday the choices I make and the words I think and speak become a part of reality. In this timeline someone is running and working and doing push ups and saving for me to be happy. We are running towards each other to heal. And I am still running away from you because I can't tell if you are chasing me or if you are the one. To finally settle my soul.
I never went to prom. I'm not that kind of girl. My cherry was gone. I was a child. A baby actually. It's not your fault you chose broken
you are broken too.
I never got carried over the altar or proposed to. It's not your fault I was broken and what was left of me craving love was enough. When you unproposed it was enough. Charlie's was enough but I never was. I was the girl, the friend you married, The Stranger really. I told you everything and you told me when you were going out.
I was the one friend who was left alone at night. I was lonely and longing and wondering if life would ever be good enough for me. If anyone would want to be with me and help me heal and be worthy of the love I give. Or would I be people pleasing forever?
You were good enough for me. But I am not. Not wifey material. Not soft enough, my edges are sharp as I have been a participant in life. Dealing with the threats daily.
Me and my confidence/confidantes talk about what a bitch you have been. Where I see you, you are sitting at the head of this imaginary table heading all preceding over my love and life telling me right from wrong because you know better. And an arrangement is not the only holy union you have seen.
I believed in divorce more than marriage when we did it. And didn't know of an everlasting pain until I wanted free of the hurt of not being enough for you meanwhile you never asking who I was. Meanwhile me never telling you how shallow I was and why it hurt. How easy it would be to reach down and pluck the pain away. How childish I was once too..
By finding a shiny stone and knowing it was shiny and special. And taking it home.
But you sit in high Court holding order and calm explaining how I didn't deserve this and everything is cool and calm and life is unfair and no one cares. And we actually laugh together because you are judge and jury over my past present and future. How ridiculous because no one cares anymore. The paparazzi is gone. And we can get into our cars and just leave after it all.
And that's fine because I get up die a little more and i do life again everyday like it's my last day.
I didn't expect you.
know that this is expected of life
I'm just the other half who doesn't understand how this could ever work or not work
Today is 3-28-22, I believe 15 years after my mother's passing, to the day. I woke at 2:30 after falling asleep at 8, working and drinking as usual. At 5:55 I noticed it was exact as if that matters eternity can shatter in a moment.
Matthew and I talked about Acacia a lot, and Jennifer, <Jenny> and her laugh, their laugh. And I thought it's not as much her fault it's her genes. And nature vs nurture blah blah blah. We can meet the right people at the right time and fix our childhood wounds, and make a family. And be whole because that's my story.
But I am talking to Taylor and I have had a few beers and he says to me condescendingly that I am drunk. He can tell by my laugh, go fuck me it's the lineage laugh, and also because if I am drunk because I laughed it's alone in my room getting ready for bed getting ready for work tomorrow because all I do is work for the next day. But drunk as I maybe I get up and do it tomorrow for us to live, for food, and medicine.
And I miss my kids growing up. And I miss my mom and my friends and life. I want to travel around in a skoolie for retirement and I am sorry that sounds stupid when we should be investing in the market sorry but go fuck yourself 'who are you fucking Rockefeller!'
I am tired and hungry but now I am angry too so now I feel less hungry and tired but thirsty for more beer. Fuck me too
