I wanted to play

 My brother Rick has always been a guide, sage, big brother. We were at the playground at about 6 and 9 and there were a group of boys playing soccer. I wanted to play but they were really mean towards girls. My brother made me feel better, put a hat on me and we went back to the park. He introduced me as his brother Chris and we started playing soccer. Didn't matter if I was a girl, they didn't notice until my hat fell off. At this point it became an angry mob of little boys swearing they would kill us. We are finally at home and I ask my brother Rick what now? How will we live? How will we play at the park? These kids want to kill us and mainly me? He was so serious, 'they will forget by tomorrow'. And he was right. I didn't dare ask to play anymore but they forgot me and wanting to kill me and I played girl stuff. And forgot about playing soccer for awhile.

Chris you did really good

 Today today is a hard day and I know it doesn't feel like it. We have made progress. This life is good. Because we made it that way. Christina you have stayed positive through some really ugly things and you're beautiful regardless of how you're treated or how you allow yourself to be treated while your spirit is unhealed and unsettled. We are perfect how we are even though it doesn't feel like it today.

Everything is ok even though it doesn't feel like it today. 

Do you remember me yet? Does anything resonate yet

 Do u remember me yet? I didn't meet you at the mall when I was 15. I don't know the details but this has been going on for eons.

But I don't know if that means it's time for a change to you but it will never change that I'm woke and I miss you on the beach of Life taking it all in with me. It is the journey that I want to end my destination with and I want to get old with you finding agates and filling our pockets like children every day. Even though our bodies lie and say we are 100 million years old. We laugh and splash and remember when we were so young.

Maybe you will meet me later. Awake and ready to do whatever it takes to be whole with me but right now we both lose and egos win. 

someday maybe. In this life we were too much too fast. And young and dumb. But please wake up and meet me later. Wish I knew you when I was older in this life. I just couldn't wait until the right time. I fucked up but meet me later when we are healed and woke. Meet me at Waffle house and we can talk it out. We can move to a cabin by the sea.

We could treasure things like coffee and ganja on the porch in the morning. Our old bodies loving wake and bake more than ever. It would be a joy to be in your presence again.

I let go because everything is telling me I lost u now. Already I fucked up.

And it's healing for both halves that we may never wake up and hold each other again in this life. I may never run my fingers over your eyelids. So now you still don't know me in this life but I don't really care. 

But you know women and pleasure. You are a beast. A silver fox but not mine. You are yours. And you can howl at the moon all night long alone. But not with me we are unpacked and wild and free from each other. 

And I am mine. And I have to feast on blood and flesh until my pack my children and I are born new and well fed. And I  promise to wait for you. And want for you like nobody else can

But I don't know if I can..

You belong to you and I am not a cougar but lioness out for what my family needs. And protecting my kin.. Hunting to get my feast. I am the preying mantis and the butterfly too. The Phoenix and dragon that will not be reduced to a fly sized being to fit you now. Your love me whole and radiant and I love that too In you. Meet me there in the future.

If you dare.   

But I will miss you and wish it could have worked here and now. You are my moon. Been visited I know you exist because people have been there and planted a flag. There is moondust from the boots of real astronauts. There is no denying you are real and tides rise and fall when you are full and powerful. But whisper when you are low and I can ignore you and forget I am still a survivor on your island

 I am the sun. So intense its hard to not just radiate at a distance but I am alone and no one can reach me. I am alone and feel lonely but look angry and dangerous but I keep providing light and life as I implode daily. And nobody even notices because I look dangerous and unreachable everday. Everyday I am ready to be alone in the darkness, noticing I already am. Alone in the sunspot

We are a powerhouse that people envy when you are awake. And I will wait but not with you. And I hope she comes to soothe you. But won't be me now. I will be waiting and hunting until you are mine again. Protecting my kin.

I will never give up fighting for peace. You deserve peace and so do I. You are my other half and I will wait on the otherside like you waited for me. 

Next life still some random place but it will be

 more true because of what I am doing here and now. And I won't feel the need to drop my panties so fast to make you see me because instead of seeing me..   it made you see me like all the stupid girls. Not worth your awakening. Not who I am. I was just waiting for you but

Not worth your time and you definitely not worth mine.

I am enough

 I am enough. I've worked hard enough and long enough and done as many push-ups as it took. I am strong for the life I am given. Everyday the choices I make and the words I think and speak become a part of reality. In this timeline someone is running and working and doing push ups and saving for me to be happy. We are running towards each other to heal. And I am still running away from you because I can't tell if you are chasing me or if you are the one. To finally settle my soul.

Really me

 I never went to prom. I'm not that kind of girl. My cherry was gone. I was a child. A baby actually. It's not your fault you chose broken 

you are broken too.

I never got carried over the altar or proposed to. It's not your fault I was broken and what was left of me craving love was enough. When you unproposed it was enough. Charlie's was enough but I never was. I was the girl, the friend you married, The Stranger really. I told you everything and you told me when you were going out.

I was the one friend who was left alone at night. I was lonely and longing and wondering if life would ever be good enough for me. If anyone would want to be with me and help me heal and be worthy of the love I give. Or would I be people pleasing forever?

You were good enough for me. But I am not. Not wifey material. Not soft enough, my edges are sharp as I have been a participant in life. Dealing with the threats daily.

Me and my confidence/confidantes talk about what a bitch you have been. Where I see you, you are sitting at the head of this imaginary table heading all preceding over my love and life telling me right from wrong because you know better. And an arrangement is not the only holy union you have seen. 

I believed in divorce more than marriage when we did it.  And didn't know of an everlasting pain until I wanted free of the hurt of not being enough for you meanwhile you never asking who I was. Meanwhile me never telling you how shallow I was and why it hurt. How easy it would be to reach down and pluck the pain away. How childish I was once too..

By finding a shiny stone and knowing it was shiny and special. And taking it home.

But you sit in high Court holding order and calm explaining how I didn't deserve this and everything is cool and calm and life is unfair and no one cares. And we actually laugh together because you are judge and jury over my past present and future. How ridiculous because no one cares anymore. The paparazzi is gone. And we can get into our cars and just leave after it all.

And that's fine because I get up die a little more and i do life again everyday like it's my last day.

I didn't expect you.

know that this is expected of life 

I'm just the other half who doesn't understand how this could ever work or not work