4-12-21

 At work at Woodloch it's almost 6am. I woke up @3, not sure why just waiting for news now. A walk is calling me but I wonder if I will go. 13 years ago as I was having a second childhood my mom got sick. We had limited time and I wasted a lot. I wish everything else would have stopped so we could have played more. More scrabble, hikes, hot tea and smokies. I miss laughing with you. Your smile, your heart and spirit. I miss you always having my back and being the biggest in my corner. I miss you always believing in me, and cheering me up while cheering me on. I have a bad habit of taking people for granted, taking my life for granted really. But if I ever had a regret it would be if you didn't know what a wonderful loving attentive and fun Mom you were. It's been almost 10 years since I got one more day with my Dad. He made me eggs and toast and we had coffee. We talked and caught up for hours. And it made me smile, like I got to dance on daddy's feet again. I hope you know Dad how safe I felt with you, and how bad I needed refuge right then. Thanks for not judging me and for understanding me always. I am sorry if you ever felt that your faults ruined my life. My family never felt broken, you should have known that. Knowing my mother, loving my mother. I am sure you would have been there for her had you known. I imagine you would've been there holding her close like I did in the end. Whispering to her that she could do it, and how it's okay to let go. It's sad, but not really because I got to know you both as my parents, love you endlessly and now miss you endlessly.

Dreaming

Today I am dreamy, thinking of far off places like the pacific which really is not that far away. It feels like that though. I got a massage today which I guess started it all for me, because my therapist was using a mild euculyptus oil. This made me think of traveling down the shelter cove road and about the time you smell the euculyptus trees you are there. Eating fish and chips, yummy! It also smells like that at Bear Harbor, one of my most favorite spots ever!! Agh it is hot and uncomfortable in this heat. I go to the river all the time, but it's not enough. I want to go where the ocean brings in cool air and I can breathe. I am buried under a bad economy, too much school work, not enough real connections, and generally just needing a vaca and not getting it. The gypsy in me is screaming... Go somewhere, anywhere. I just really want to be now here. Once I get out to the river I won't feel this bad but right now all I can think of is cold surf, and good seafood.

This is my protection

 I am a turtle, gentle and slow. Solid and stoic. Kind to a fault, but i can retreat into the home of myself where it's cozy, and safe. I don't need to understand you to understand me. 

I just want to. But I love you anyway and we will laugh about it in the end.