Thought you were better

 You aren't. You are my normal, someone blaming me for themselves. You don't want me because you had yourself and whatever you want. I am alone.

Taylor

 I wrote you a poem

Taylor

I met you at 15. You met me at 17. 

We had the world but only wanted each other. You reminded me it's ok.

We felt and built a life and love others would Envy but not understand.

But that we enjoy...

 days of pain where we don't understand and we don't want to

 we hate and love and hate to love on those days. That seem endless. Where you are Capricorn and I am Leo and we don't budge.

Never ending our life goes on in a way we didn't see coming...

a way that was fulfilling and nurturing and less.

We care about the other. But in this love we give up;

 control,

need,

comfort,

 in search of life and adventure and endurance we don't know better because we came from nothing.

It could be anything worthwhile and it is.

It is something special it is something we love we care we give up into the comfort of each other.

In loving you it is endless

And it is empty and limitless in it's capacity. For now what is it?

Why did you have to be so kind

 In the start everything was gentle and fair and even. Why did you have to be so kind? And play games for fun and surprise with me?

You didn't even know me. But why then hold it all against me and never forgive me for being a human. 

For having been so understanding I do not understand you now. For doing anything to get my attention and passion. To ignore me and my desires now.

Holding me in some kind of purgatory. You forgive but nothing is ever as good again and you never let me forget how much I disappointed you. Everyday is a new day.

Everyday is a new day of trapping and games that I never win. But you say you are here with me now but I don't think you even notice me.

Would not do much for me now that I am yours. Would laugh now if I talk of walking away, because you know I won't, or can't whatever it is. This doesn't feel quite like it, anymore.

I laughed and loved too freely

 I loved you till no end, that was my mistake.

I wanted you freely for me to take.

As I was for you.  Empty but ready 

Alone but steady 

But desperate I wait. 

Endless days of hit or miss

Ever even seeing you.. 

But I don't cause you are you and I am me and in the sea of destiny

This is a big goodbye you see.

It wasn't his fault he was a nice person

 I made it too easy to use and abuse. Maybe I enjoyed the pain of not being enough.

He has his shame. I didn't choose...

or end up with a fool. 

Even though he has been for awhile.

I broke him, took the niceness from his eyes. Put that splinter in his eye and never took it away, as he did to me. Made me bitter and empty and stunted. Ugly.

Belittle me and my ideas and I acted small so he could get away with it easily, 

with no accountability,

because I was ready to understand, misunderstanding and look for meaning. 

In everything.

 there is something and in something is nothingness.

When I expected to find it all.

A princess in a glass house.

I thought maybe it could be that easy, but it wasn't either. And I know my fault. When I maybe gave in or maybe I gave up. Explaining my pain and laziness.

Whatever. Maybe too soon for what happened next. 

Who knows. Because nothing ended up happening.

And it was over.

And over before it began and other atrocities of life.

Even when there was no lesson or talking it out that could make it make sense. 

I kept believing it did and that you are it. You are so cool.

I accept my blame in believing you were it.

That's it. 

When I finally saw the writing on the wall.

I could walk away, say it didn't hurt but it did and I would  cry in the darkness over you.

I would scream in pain over you when it's over.

And be grateful for my children. They are my fault and family, too.

All that's left when I let go of you and your dreams and live my life.

You are not dead or dying but in pace with me and I face you in life.

I give thanks for a life while you grieve the ones we lost along the way.

I am sorry I didn't reconcile in this life but I will find you in the next. And we can meet again.

And we can be friends