He is the matrix

 Forming, molding, controlling all in the best interests of you. You forget how to speak your truth. Good times, bad times no one remembers you at all in those memories. They only remember their own strength.

You forgive what doesn't soothe. And you think this is home. And the best it gets, the deepest most knowingist.

Even when it hurts and you still feel empty and alone.

You give up on freedom and joy and assume it's just you.

And being friends.

You succumb to the numb facetious bullshit and eat the garbage you never thought you would and you become the trash he said you were from the beginning and you believe you are.

Alone

And nothing 

Not to be trusted

 My heart is too sensitive for my mind to be intrusted to make decisions 

My mind is too callused

My heart too fragile

Endless thoughts and ego

That some people care for me.

My thoughts and feelings are endless like everyday lasts forever 

And nothing is ever new

You gave up yesterday and your thoughts no longer make sense.

Maybe it wasn't bad timing but bad intentions

Mother's day

 Today I would let you know you rock. I would talk your ear off, and let you talk me back to reality. I miss you endlessly

God I miss you today

 God I miss you today

 some version of you where when you get married it isn't spoiled.

But mine was before I realized it was.

But right now I wish I was listening to something or hearing something about something that makes me sad or jealous or angry now

Because instead I'm lonely with myself she left when you hit me or when you said I deserved it or when Jamie hit her head on the wall I knew it was as always had been for me and the last smile from a child a girl she checked out I'm here but not here because I don't want to be destroyed by you anymore so the best of me is gone she'll never be yours I just hope to reconnect with her someday and I can apologize and she can too for leaving me and saving us