When I began writing this blog I can see that I was deeply unhappy,
and in reading it now I feel sad for me;
Pity was not my goal, and if you happen to read it,
Let it not be your role.
I just need to share my story.
Awaken your senses....
When I open my infant eyes is when I can realize and idealize life all around and within my wind, you win; the world continues to spin. I let go of past pains and feel every drop of rain right now it cascades down and I turn into a clown. I'm three again with mud to my knees, drenched from rain, covered in debris. It's nice to be happy, it's great to be free, even sweeter is the victory.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Some crazy inspiration
For a moment i believed in love. I believed you loved me, or
that you held a key,
to unlock the treasures you once locked within me.
I believed for a brief moment it was enough, to connect us throughout mystory.
Do i think two much? Do i delve two deep?
Am i living, just to sleep?
I should answer questions just to ask some more
because after all isn't that what question askers like me,
are really for?
If i wasn't searching, what then would the journey be for?
If i held your hand and then you pulled away, would i be lost without you
Or just another day?
I may have stayed too long, or maybe wept aloud.. But
We saw it all together, as an impermenance
IT was written in a cloud.
Second mearly flashing by to entertain the mind
Finding some are fierce, finding some as kind.
I give it all away, take what you choose
This is how i live
I don't believe in win or lose.
I believe in love still, and in taking chances
I love the gift of second glances.
So take it all, I have it all to give
I my not be tomorrow so today is all to live.
If i empty myself before i die, that is better to me
than dying and feeling
i was not exhausted fully.
When i die my soul can rest because i searched for you
Knowing
I can rest at the end of this time
I searched for you love and it was divine.
Do i think myself as too important?
Is IT not so deep, am i awake now?
Are you still asleep
Though i fought, and cried
Ultimate peaces, for i lived and loved before i died. :)
that you held a key,
to unlock the treasures you once locked within me.
I believed for a brief moment it was enough, to connect us throughout mystory.
Do i think two much? Do i delve two deep?
Am i living, just to sleep?
I should answer questions just to ask some more
because after all isn't that what question askers like me,
are really for?
If i wasn't searching, what then would the journey be for?
If i held your hand and then you pulled away, would i be lost without you
Or just another day?
I may have stayed too long, or maybe wept aloud.. But
We saw it all together, as an impermenance
IT was written in a cloud.
Second mearly flashing by to entertain the mind
Finding some are fierce, finding some as kind.
I give it all away, take what you choose
This is how i live
I don't believe in win or lose.
I believe in love still, and in taking chances
I love the gift of second glances.
So take it all, I have it all to give
I my not be tomorrow so today is all to live.
If i empty myself before i die, that is better to me
than dying and feeling
i was not exhausted fully.
When i die my soul can rest because i searched for you
Knowing
I can rest at the end of this time
I searched for you love and it was divine.
Do i think myself as too important?
Is IT not so deep, am i awake now?
Are you still asleep
Though i fought, and cried
Ultimate peaces, for i lived and loved before i died. :)
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Creative non-fic
Yoga in Malibu
I was in Malibu, California just this past summer camping at Leo Carillo State Park and beach with my two kids and my husband. My husband, Taylor who I had been separated from for over a year before, but we had married when I was only 16 and I had spent over half of my life with him. He gave me security in my ever changing world of loneliness and isolation after my mothers passing. I felt that no one understood, but he gave me more empathy than he had ever given before. For that I am forever grateful. This was seven weeks after my mother had passed away from lung cancer, and right after my nephew’s and niece had decided to live with my brother instead of me. After I had been with my mom, even though I was the youngest. I faced it alone, because my big brother had to work out of town, and my big sister had been missing for years. This was after I had spent seven weeks with seven kids including my own two between 16 and 4 years old. It was hard for me to accept it, but I was healing and growing. Even though it hurt at the time I knew in my heart that we were being protected and looked after and that the universe was in perfect order, even if I wanted things to go differently. I could feel my mother’s spirit all around me, guiding me. That is where I was at mentally, physically and spiritually, when I was unsure if I would ever truly be happy or feel like myself again a very cosmic funny thing happened to me.
I woke up early in the tent and while it was still dark and cool outside and my family slept in, I tip-toed out. Teary eyed with grief, I got up and grabbed my yoga mat that was in front of the tent. It was set up like a welcome mat at the door. I rolled it up quickly and quietly, tying the little pink ribbon in a bow around it as I did. I walked toward the crashing and hushing sounds of the surf with direction, and purpose. Although I didn‘t know exactly where I was going to plant myself and my mat. I looked ahead of me and it seemed the whole ground was covered with rocks, large and small. No good, because my mat was not a thick pink rubber pad like some, mine is a simple grass mat, with a pink fabric trim on it.
A ray of sun broke through the morning sky and lit a tiny sandy spot that was perfect, because it looked flat and the sand looked soft. I found my way through the large rocks and carefully made it to the little sandy spot. It had a good view of the ocean, up and down the coast I could see the seals and dolphins at play from where I was up on the bluff. No one was out on the beach or in the water yet. Perfect I thought, peace.
The air was cool and crisp even in summer. The sun was starting to break through the foggy cloud cover. I took a nice deep breath and let go of all thoughts. I went on autopilot and started stretching, bending, folding and pushing my body with the best form I have ever maintained. I held the pose of “Tree”, arms outstretched further than I knew I could reach. Higher and higher, my arms swayed like the branches of a tree, my foot deeply rooted in the sand while the other was folded and resting on my thigh. I held this pose for I don't even know how long, and the whole time I kept breathing and feeling. Every sensation felt new. It felt so good after all that I had been through with losing my mom and also my mind, trying to raise seven kids alone afterwards.
I have done yoga for ten years, always thinking as I did, "Do I inhale now or exhale? I can't get that just right, but whatever." but this day it just flowed out of me. I closed my eyes and the imperfections went unnoticed. I listened as the waves rose high, crested, then rolled in and broke with a crash.
I heard my breath and body, it was like a quiet, little ocean, crashing and hushing with my movements. Cool ocean spray misted my face. I opened my eyes and a woman a little older than myself approached. "May I join you?" she asked sweetly. "It just looks so good, I could use some of that." she said. I said "Of course." That was it. I am not a teacher of yoga, fact is I had done it wrong for ten years.
The first day I get it right on an empty beach, the universe presents someone to share it with. I didn't instruct her as much as she mirrored me and when I took a breath in it was audible and so was hers. We did Sun Salutation which is a series of poses, over and over until I heard her breathing in unison with me instead of following me. After about twenty more minutes I looked at her, and her cheeks were flushed. I could feel that mine were, too. The sun was out full force and people were milling about everywhere. Which I guess we had both been kind of oblivious to. I thanked her and she thanked me and we parted ways. It was one of the most beautiful movie like moments of my life.
I was in Malibu, California just this past summer camping at Leo Carillo State Park and beach with my two kids and my husband. My husband, Taylor who I had been separated from for over a year before, but we had married when I was only 16 and I had spent over half of my life with him. He gave me security in my ever changing world of loneliness and isolation after my mothers passing. I felt that no one understood, but he gave me more empathy than he had ever given before. For that I am forever grateful. This was seven weeks after my mother had passed away from lung cancer, and right after my nephew’s and niece had decided to live with my brother instead of me. After I had been with my mom, even though I was the youngest. I faced it alone, because my big brother had to work out of town, and my big sister had been missing for years. This was after I had spent seven weeks with seven kids including my own two between 16 and 4 years old. It was hard for me to accept it, but I was healing and growing. Even though it hurt at the time I knew in my heart that we were being protected and looked after and that the universe was in perfect order, even if I wanted things to go differently. I could feel my mother’s spirit all around me, guiding me. That is where I was at mentally, physically and spiritually, when I was unsure if I would ever truly be happy or feel like myself again a very cosmic funny thing happened to me.
I woke up early in the tent and while it was still dark and cool outside and my family slept in, I tip-toed out. Teary eyed with grief, I got up and grabbed my yoga mat that was in front of the tent. It was set up like a welcome mat at the door. I rolled it up quickly and quietly, tying the little pink ribbon in a bow around it as I did. I walked toward the crashing and hushing sounds of the surf with direction, and purpose. Although I didn‘t know exactly where I was going to plant myself and my mat. I looked ahead of me and it seemed the whole ground was covered with rocks, large and small. No good, because my mat was not a thick pink rubber pad like some, mine is a simple grass mat, with a pink fabric trim on it.
A ray of sun broke through the morning sky and lit a tiny sandy spot that was perfect, because it looked flat and the sand looked soft. I found my way through the large rocks and carefully made it to the little sandy spot. It had a good view of the ocean, up and down the coast I could see the seals and dolphins at play from where I was up on the bluff. No one was out on the beach or in the water yet. Perfect I thought, peace.
The air was cool and crisp even in summer. The sun was starting to break through the foggy cloud cover. I took a nice deep breath and let go of all thoughts. I went on autopilot and started stretching, bending, folding and pushing my body with the best form I have ever maintained. I held the pose of “Tree”, arms outstretched further than I knew I could reach. Higher and higher, my arms swayed like the branches of a tree, my foot deeply rooted in the sand while the other was folded and resting on my thigh. I held this pose for I don't even know how long, and the whole time I kept breathing and feeling. Every sensation felt new. It felt so good after all that I had been through with losing my mom and also my mind, trying to raise seven kids alone afterwards.
I have done yoga for ten years, always thinking as I did, "Do I inhale now or exhale? I can't get that just right, but whatever." but this day it just flowed out of me. I closed my eyes and the imperfections went unnoticed. I listened as the waves rose high, crested, then rolled in and broke with a crash.
I heard my breath and body, it was like a quiet, little ocean, crashing and hushing with my movements. Cool ocean spray misted my face. I opened my eyes and a woman a little older than myself approached. "May I join you?" she asked sweetly. "It just looks so good, I could use some of that." she said. I said "Of course." That was it. I am not a teacher of yoga, fact is I had done it wrong for ten years.
The first day I get it right on an empty beach, the universe presents someone to share it with. I didn't instruct her as much as she mirrored me and when I took a breath in it was audible and so was hers. We did Sun Salutation which is a series of poses, over and over until I heard her breathing in unison with me instead of following me. After about twenty more minutes I looked at her, and her cheeks were flushed. I could feel that mine were, too. The sun was out full force and people were milling about everywhere. Which I guess we had both been kind of oblivious to. I thanked her and she thanked me and we parted ways. It was one of the most beautiful movie like moments of my life.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
I really actually enjoy putting a pen to paper, but..
I may save a few trees and have less journals to lug around if I keep up with this blog, so I'm going to try. I liked the idea of writing everyday because sometimes I don't feel that inspired, but I write and then something finds it's way out. Any ordinary day has a story to tell you know?
Almost done!
What will I do when school is over? This has been a long summer, full of homework, work and family. Now I need to get to the beach for a few days.
I think I may start over for my final draft. I was in Malibu camping on the beach last summer and a funny thing happened to me, and I think it would be a good story. I woke up early in the tent and while it was cool and my family slept I tip-toed out. I grabbed my yoga mat that was in front of the tent like a welcome mat. I walked toward the crashing and hushing sound with purpose. Then I found a little sandy spot with a good vista of the ocean from up on a bluff. The air was cool and crisp even in summer. The sun was starting to break through the foggy cloud cover. I took a nice deep breath and let go of all thoughts. I went on autopiliot and started stretching, bending, folding and pushing my body with the best form I have ever maintained. I held tree for I don't even know how long and the whole time I kept breathing and feeling. I have done yoga for ten years, always thinking as I did it, "Do I inhale now or exhale? I can't get that just right, but whatever." but this day it just flowed and the imperfections were not noticable to me. I watched as the waves rose high cresting, then rolling in and breaking with a crash and cooler ocean spray misted my face. I opened my eyes and a woman a little older than myself approached. "May I join you?" she asked sweetly. "It just looks so good, I could use some of that." she said. I said "Of course." That was it. I am not a teacher of yoga, fact is I had done it wrong for ten years. The first day I get it right on an empty beach, the universe presents someone to share it with. I didn't instruct her as much as she mirrored me and when I took a breath in it was audible and so was hers. After about twenty more minutes I looked at her, and her cheeks were flushed. I could feel that mine were, too. The sun was out full force and people were milling about everywhere. I thanked her and she thanked me and we parted ways. It was one of the most beautiful movie like moments of my life.
I think I may start over for my final draft. I was in Malibu camping on the beach last summer and a funny thing happened to me, and I think it would be a good story. I woke up early in the tent and while it was cool and my family slept I tip-toed out. I grabbed my yoga mat that was in front of the tent like a welcome mat. I walked toward the crashing and hushing sound with purpose. Then I found a little sandy spot with a good vista of the ocean from up on a bluff. The air was cool and crisp even in summer. The sun was starting to break through the foggy cloud cover. I took a nice deep breath and let go of all thoughts. I went on autopiliot and started stretching, bending, folding and pushing my body with the best form I have ever maintained. I held tree for I don't even know how long and the whole time I kept breathing and feeling. I have done yoga for ten years, always thinking as I did it, "Do I inhale now or exhale? I can't get that just right, but whatever." but this day it just flowed and the imperfections were not noticable to me. I watched as the waves rose high cresting, then rolling in and breaking with a crash and cooler ocean spray misted my face. I opened my eyes and a woman a little older than myself approached. "May I join you?" she asked sweetly. "It just looks so good, I could use some of that." she said. I said "Of course." That was it. I am not a teacher of yoga, fact is I had done it wrong for ten years. The first day I get it right on an empty beach, the universe presents someone to share it with. I didn't instruct her as much as she mirrored me and when I took a breath in it was audible and so was hers. After about twenty more minutes I looked at her, and her cheeks were flushed. I could feel that mine were, too. The sun was out full force and people were milling about everywhere. I thanked her and she thanked me and we parted ways. It was one of the most beautiful movie like moments of my life.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Writer's block?
I can try and blame it on something but I 'd rather just tell the truth. I am worn out. The only thing I can think to post quick and easy is poetry. I am ridiculously good at simple rhymes to state my point.
Is there any truth? Peace or contentment or sanity? I don't mean to act crazy. What is normality? I write to erase all that is wrong with me. Simply being me renews my will, for something better.
A little morbid, but funny too....
Loneliness eats at me- bitterness laughs.
Naivety jumps out the window to join innocence which is splattered on the ground decaying.
Angels fly by dropping love that quenches me for now. I let loneliness feast on me and bitterness have it's fun at my expense.
I fall in love and loneliness, and bitterness, naivety and innocence are replaced with grace.
Pain is just a shadow, a ghost next to my joys!
Is there any truth? Peace or contentment or sanity? I don't mean to act crazy. What is normality? I write to erase all that is wrong with me. Simply being me renews my will, for something better.
A little morbid, but funny too....
Loneliness eats at me- bitterness laughs.
Naivety jumps out the window to join innocence which is splattered on the ground decaying.
Angels fly by dropping love that quenches me for now. I let loneliness feast on me and bitterness have it's fun at my expense.
I fall in love and loneliness, and bitterness, naivety and innocence are replaced with grace.
Pain is just a shadow, a ghost next to my joys!
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Today I am dreamy, thinking of far off places like the pacific which really is not that far away. It feels like that though. I got a massage today which I guess started it all for me, because my therapist was using a mild euculyptus oil. This made me think of traveling down the shelter cove road and about the time you smell the euculyptus trees you are there. Eating fish and chips, yummy! It also smells like that at Bear Harbor, one of my most favorite spots ever!! Agh it is hot and uncomfortable in this heat. I go to the river all the time, but it's not enough. I want to go where the ocean brings in cool air and I can breathe. I am buried under a bad economy, too much school work, not enough real connections, and generally just needing a vaca and not getting it. The gypsy in me is screaming... Go somewhere, anywhere. I just really want to be now here. Once I get out to the river I won't feel this bad but right now all I can think of is cold surf, and good seafood.
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