A Different Place

When I began writing this blog I can see that I was deeply unhappy,
and in reading it now I feel sad for me;
Pity was not my goal, and if you happen to read it,
Let it not be your role.
I just need to share my story.
Awaken your senses....
When I open my infant eyes is when I can realize and idealize life all around and within my wind, you win;  i win.
the world continues to spin. I let go of past pains and feel every drop of rain right now it cascades down and I turn into a clown. I'm three again with mud to my knees, drenched from rain, covered in debris. It's nice to be happy, it's great to be free, even sweeter is the victory. Of life surrounding grounding everything in the path. It's crumbling and soft. Sweet. Like the poem I wrote for 7th grade, I can't remember the title, but still have the binded book. If I was never published anywhere else. You should know I have stories.

Taylor is what I got

So weird because of where we are right now. Arguing about everything and nothing. But when we met I remember feeling like such a weirdo like people are strange when you're a stranger and I was always the stranger. I felt like you looked at me like I was normal. And I looked at you when you took your beanie off and tossled your afro like you are such a freak, but I could love you for a long time. 

Eww sounds dirty, 'me love you long time'...did I just think that? 

That I could love you? How when I am not sure I love myself, even? Well 23 years later I am still unsure, but I think I could love you a long time. Old man, wretched man, big ass babe. 

Hill kid

I am a hill kid, i was born in 1979 in Humboldt county when they/the hippies were still dancing naked. I am sure. I have the title for three books in mind but will see. Is the universe fucking with you or is it just me?.. thats the one I am working on. I remember rolling in hills of tall grass and growing pot. Well I remember riding bags of manure down the hill to the patch of super loved ganja. I also remember smoking a joint before I could talk but my oldest bro would say it didn't happen. But I guess in my imagination there we sit in a circle in grass so high you can't see us, he's in his jean jacket and pulls out a joint. A real sidewinder as I will later refer to it as it was.  Jennifer and Rick are coughing their heads off and I am realizing this is good. This is what we are growing. And my love starts there in a field with my siblings. Before time meant anything. We were the moment for the moment. The four of us.

Coffee in the morning

Its pretty hard to listen to myself and not be objective in hindsight. Its hard right now to see this composed into a life story, but it's mine. I am positive now but it took a life of struggle to appreciate a cup of hot coffee in the morning. I do now, I appreciate this life, and coffee in the morning. Moment to moment that's all it is, it's temporary like everything else in life. Even life itself, such a bitch factor that we all die. No matter how good or kind. We all live some weird beautiful, weirdo similiar, so similar it's creepy but total weirdness existance. I am a hill kid. Who are you and where are you from?

Filthy 40

I am filthy forty in a few hours. It's really now that I am old. My mom has been gone 11 years, dad been gone for 8, my Sunshine is 23! I remember Fishbone down the rabbit hole like it was yesterday that I appreciated a banana for the first time. My 23 year old was in a glow worm blanket in NICU.

It still hurts

Do you remember me? 15 and awake? I can remember you and me. Having fun, and I can forget too. 

The way you held me. And when you looked at me in your arms, you didn't scrunch away from my body but would press deeply into me.

I would be safe and loved always with you..

The way you smelled of home and the way that I tasted you.
I remember that you were mean..and so kind.
I tend to forget how mean it was.
I tend to remember how great it was.

I don't know if it was. It was all that it was.
And I remember that you are worth fighting for and with

 and also forgetting, and that you were all in my mind... never really anyone to find.
Empty and fake if I must rewind.
Truth has no sympathy for me, in the past all broken.
In the future she is a siren, an empty beacon of light not worth finding.
But now she is a radiant gem of light. Blinding me and real and true and inescapable.
But lost now and again. In my own hearts ache

We take a break from being

Anything of any relation or common ground 

We take a break from the two headed monster

And I am a monster

Alone.

You can say that everything happens for a reason but

Nothing happens for a reason too.

H for home

Just got home from humboldt county, weird to say but happy to be home in the pitts.

Squeezed

All sides feels like its coming down and i can't even save myself. Is today the day? Is this my karma. Getting dusty on the shelf? I just wait for you to wake up and see me or talk to me like you love me. I am trying to hold on to us...but you are forgeting to be happy for days and months and even some years when i could look at you and say you are lying to yourself when you say you are devoted.  But that's mean to the both of us. To all of our 'rag tag crew'. Our whole thing we are doing. I love to be squeezed

I miss my dad

It's April 20th 2019 8 years since my dad died. And I miss him and I feel a lot of pain about it. It is an emptiness that is agony. But its ok. I need to stop blocking ignoring and denying. Its like this feeling that feels bad. It grits at me and rubs me the wrong way. But really it is cutting deep to the center and only the essential me remains. I don't have to take it personally. The universe loves me. Thats why i have these feelings of missing some really important parts. Its ok to miss them and the things that only they knew. My mom and dad are still here. Giving me hugs and making me laugh. And we never fight about the small stuff anymore. Like news, politics, or any other dumb stuff we all bicker it out about. But i miss you dad

Still hurts

I want to say I'm here alone. Today just the same as yesterday
living in the future or past I don't know.
Living in the Future or Past who cares today?... I don't.
and that hurts and leaves me angry.
Sorry as i am that the day is long. YOU are not here and i am gone
We aren't counting the days to see ourselves again
The rain fades and pounds relentlessly
And rainbows too...
Same way that the rain Stays and rainbows too ensure that life goes on without you.
Waves crash and my heart beats to the pulse of the world.
Listen and feel
In everything anything more than you.
Here and done before. believe in yourself and be less than anxious and waiting.
Less than.
While you laugh
Real or a dream
?

More and less
It would seem.

I miss my guy

Taylor is working in CA this week. And i miss him. I think that is ok. To feel deeply how much i need and care for him. Remember what it felt like when HE PICKED ME! When he finally couldn't hold back any longer and told me that he liked me. A lot.
And the rest is history and not all good. Its like wrinkles telling your story. Our history should be remembered by us that lived it. Seeing a pair of mallards in a puddle. Seeing wild horses at the salt river. Sitting on the bench after fishbone. Thinking of Jay and how much had just happened. The drip on reverend Marti's shoulder. The yogurt/gelatin you made out of a cup of milk. Our first fights, like when I broke my toe.. or you jumped off the fucking balcony and my mom asked me if i pushed you. When I was super mad at you for a weird dream that i had. When we got back together the last time sipping gin even though you hate liquor and I kissed you again. Its all romantic and i am sorry for you because you love me even on my ugly days and you are like I already won. I miss you.

Elby's Big Boy

Who knew big boy was going to be really a big deal? I knew you were a big deal to me, immediately. Who knew hanging out at the mall would be my eternity...Jaime? Taco bell and Charlie's 24 years we would still be here loving and hating each other.
You are the best bab, friend, family and soul mate.

Love and forgiveness

Likes you. Levels you. Longs for you. Love
Opens life and dreams the years chapters of time and love.
Vigilance there and here before i need it.
Empty it out, and fill it up.

What is it

It's a whirlwind that takes your feet and leaves you a kite in the breeze blowing free know where no one to be just lazy alive under the shade of a tree in the grass the bugs on you and you on a few it leaves you resting Awakening to all that is you me and it meaning being seeing we're not all that it is.
People call just to say how's it going for you today we won't let you cry and sulk away... life's for living and won't be denied....some have fought for it lost and died. That is a beautiful fact that finds us even on track be at a wave shark or Mack.... it takes what you have and gives what you lack it just is it.
Everyday i allow myself more
Happiness
Or the universe grants me that.
But the empty edgy feelings still creep on me
Pulling and smashing me until i am bits and pieces of what i used to be. I wish my mom still lingers here but she is busy.
Still busy.
Gentle prayers ease my pain.
Quiet it's all in vain
I wait for more love to ease my shame.
Gaining grace as i fall flat on my graceful face.
I am not dumb
Not nearly done
Orange rhymes with sporange
When I breathe I see who I am amidst the living and Undead
I find Joy even in my sorrow.
Shadow because life's too good to waste on borrowed love time or anything not worth living.

Give it all away

For the moment. And it was good. It was a good day. I believed you loved me
I believed for a moment it was enough to sprawl out eternity in crumpled blankets and cozy dreams.
Staring at the moon and stars.
Do i think too much or delve too deep for you?
Should i close my eyes and stay sleeping with you. Should i ask you the right questions? And you have the answers or would i ask for more?
If i wasn't searching what would it be for
If i held your hand but you pulled away
Would i be lost without you?
Or just another day?
If i stay too long if i wept out loud.  I am sorry for seeing it with you in the impermanence of a cloud.
Seconds of this life passing me by to entertain my mind.
Ascertained finding some are fierce and some kind.
Give it all away
Take what you choose because i don't believe in win and lose.
I believed in taking chances warm feelings and second glances.
If i am empty when i die better to know that i was me exhausting myself fully.
Then at least my soul can rest knowing I had tried to find a soul that fit and become a part of mine I may have fought. I may have cried but I know I lived and at peace i have died.

Providence

The true gem must be so brilliant because I keep getting broken the pieces falling . Tears falling slowly eroding anything that is not essential.
Every hit my soulshine is brighter. I am lighter again. I feel magic and faith again. I am where i am supposed to be.

I don't

I don't...breathe dance laugh eat or sleep deeply.
I can't . .love everything freely and deeply yet again
I won't. ..have a good day ever again and always i am waiting to tell you that I miss you

The end

Once i was little and you were kind. I held your hand and you held mine. I love you still all the time. I gave my best to be beside you when the days of life were through. We pretended we were the first but also ok to suffer this life and death, rebirth. The moment when everything felt still and quiet. That moment you gave up give and take. When life was over it was quiet and surprising all the same. And forever different for me.

Today is the day

There is no more 'gonna get tomorrow'. Go get it. Today is the day. 'Go make someones day'. Go to Iceland. Go fly a kite and make jewelry. Go be really happy.
But,....Stay here now, too. Don't forget to stay with your thoughts of friends and loved ones. Stay here for them now, and think of what is real and happening right now. We will never be here again.
Sweep your floor with the presence of mind to know that it will need to be done again, tomorrow. But, be here now. For now when we are here is the best place to be, to feel real things and be real things.

Springtime is here

In all the pain and glory. He is risen. So has Mom and Dad. My uncle's on both sides, grandparents and all I can be is grateful because I was loved and cherished. My perspective is that the plan is good and that everything will work out even without a plan because the universe really is in perfect order, and is always conspiring to make us increasingly joyful. The constant in this life is that every up must come down and every dark has a light. The Zen of life and truly universal is that we who are born will die. So I tend to feel death is just another day of our spiritual life. But around this time of year I miss them here. My mom left this day we shared March 2008...three years later on April 20th 2011 my dad left this day we danced and I remembered dancing on his feet and him walking me down the aisle. Letting me go as his little girl to become someone's wife. That must have been hard for my mom and dad. I think letting them go be children is the next life was harder for me. The day my mom died I had a waking vision of my mom's dad coming to her, her looking back. She waved good bye and looked toward her dad his hand outstretched to her. As she reached his hand and they walked away she became younger and younger until she was a girl with her daddy. And they were gone. She was gone. It hurts. It still hurts. Right now I am crying and healing as I write this for nobody and anybody who has even lost someone precious to them.
Funny story
Somebody should have done it,
Anybody could have done it.
Everybody said they would do it.
Ended up that
Nobody really did it.

2019

Today fucking sucks! Yesterday was worse.  I hate everything and nobody is real. I miss my mom. It has been 11 years and 2008 was a piece of shit.

We both said 2008, gotta be great. But it wasn't. I ran your errands because you no longer could. I raised your kids, the kids because you couldn't. Kick flips and bullshit. Because you were done. With all us kids. But you were the best and I miss you daily.