Why did you?

 I think it was all premeditated from luring me to visit, using objects so even if I got tested, rape kit, no DNA which is why the universe protected me with blackout of most of the event. Talking to your friend while it was happening and probably taping it to relive and laugh at my pain and vulnerability later.

Discussing the turkey baster idea with him on the phone and me hearing it All. Begging your other friend to let me go or help me. Trying to appear human. You telling him to keep me warm while you go get it, me crawling away weakly thinking I could hide on a beach. HIM WEAK AS FUCK WATCHING IT ALL. NOT ENJOYING IT LIKE YOU AND SHAWN. WATCHING ME CRAWL AWAY.

Helpless. Crying and pleading. Threatening you with my husband and my dad and my brothers....My dad would have killed you or had you killed. Snot and not being able to move my mouth, it was whimpers and whispers begging to be let go but I was trying to scream. I am sure it was pitiful or sad, funny to you. As you still can watch it even now. Telling me it wasn't rape and me saying no please don't the whole time.

I didn't put myself in that position. I was interested in you, I didn't know this would happen. I thought I was equal and could take care of myself and I was wrong. But wasn't what I was wearing or who I am that got me raped. It wasn't that I was asking for it or you wouldn't have had to drug me. 

You are predators. You saw vulnerability and used it. I am human but I am a woman an in all my essence was duped and weak. Jumped out of the fire and into a frying pan. Wished the same man I ran away from because I felt bullied was there to witness and protect me because he is a way better man than you could aspire to be with the skeletons in your closet. He would have fought you off of me with everything in him.

I know it was a pattern and I wasn't the first or last. You knew the system and it protected men like you with he said she said laws. And father rights for a poor black man but I SEE YOU. FAKE AS FUCK RAPIST. STILL VICTIM BLAMING. WAKE UP.

The facetious are real too

 And mean people are kind to some, sometimes.

the kindest are mean sometimes too. 

The fake are as real as they can be as real can be fake.

The mistake is wasted time judging; passing judgment instead of feeling the wind

On my skin, tasting all the succulence of everything 

Everyday existence is a joy, a pain a waiting for sadness of joy of spring and waking up in the morning full of thoughts and energy and restless for the day, and the day after that if we are awakened to hot coffee or a birds song.

We give love a bad name

 Love is not obligation and sacrificing your whole self. Just the parts that need to learn to share. But we don't learn, we don't share our love, life or laughs. I don't know you. And it hurts. Like burns like a homeless woman's trash can of a life. When she waited for fortune to turn up in a used cup. When someone she loves and trusts calls her trash, believes it, and makes it so true. And she only knew created miracles and magic of misfortune and loss.    

Before she was really born. He claimed her, never proposed and was never accountable to his promises. By the year 2000, I knew it was over and I lost. I was  lost and only Jaime mattered. I was no longer a child, but the universe called me back and said I was maybe worthy if not giving up so easily.

wow this week went fast. I wonder when this was intialky published

I am going to start my writer's workshop here and then just copy and paste it over. This is my creative non-fiction draft 1.

I held her hand and in it everything she was to me; mom, friend, stability, and home. She held her wooden cross from Charlotte. 

 I stayed close and hovered over. She longed for freedom from her ailing body, and rejected me. Her eyes would not open, she wouldn't speak, and finally she didn't grasp my hand. 

Her pain was gone and her faith remained. I read to her about her place in heaven, I sang to her songs that will haunt me forever, I can only imagine played and I lay by her side. Like a baby

I prayed to God all night to save my mom and spare us all the heartache, 

all in vain because this was meant to be. i thought she was improving one minute and the next, I knew she was dying.

 I sat up all that night, the first night it was just her and I. No hospice nurses there, no family friends to keep vigilence with me. Just me by her side and the four beautiful souls she was raising by the circumstance that their mother, my older sister was an addict and missing.

 Actually five, but the oldest had stayed out at a friends that night. I knew what was happening when she started to gasp, because I was told what to expect by hospice staff. I didn't want to believe it though. Gasp...gasp..gasp, like a fish out of water and then she was gone. 

I knew she was but I hugged what held my mom's spirit for 52 years and cried. Then I thought wait we didn't decide on a sign for her to let me know she is still here with us even on the other side.

 I was heartbroken, I felt my whole self shatter and become a different version of me, a version that would always deeply be missing someone.

 I checked the time...5:55 am, I went outside and heard a symphony of birds. That was the sign, and as I fell to my knees and cried.

A large bird landed near me and squaked until I looked up and wiped away my tears. 

I had to go inside and call hospice for help, and figure out how I was going to protect the kids upstairs from the heartache that I was feeling. I called hospice and my oldest nefew and told him to come home. Matthew this is it. Please come home. She birthday'd and partied til the end but she was gone.

Dylan was the first to get up but the youngest and he said to me, 'I know grandma was happy when she died because she was smiling'..smiling...

That was because Charlotte had the mind if my mom wanted open casket she would need her teeth, slapped them in as soon as she got there. What a friend, before ems even.

I Am Weirded the fuck out but that's why Dylan had that feeling she passed in peace. And he gave it to me. And I went to smoke. And cry but the birds wouldn't let me, I cried they squaked and I said this won't be easy. 

You are a legend Lisa. I love you and yes we had very good times. You taught me life and love. Deep love of life 

So I was finally cool but my mom was cooler

 She got me a party room at the Humboldt house inn And she was at the Sherwood forest motel. She was selling cocaine. I was not. The cops raided my room, interrogated kids who gave false information and took lots of time And I am sure gave her time to leave the actual party 1 mile away. So I was cool for a minute but she was cooler. Still I am in the car locking the door to feel safe but rolling over a cliff and my brother Rick saving us as usual. 

He taught me Tao we played hacky sack even though I was bad, we got philosophical about Aliens and other stuff and he understood me.

He tricked me with his magic tricks and always had peace. In the midst of a tower moment he always put out the fire or is ready to rebuild my life.

That's my brother! Like a monk...

Brother Rick.

Copeland is Cali's dad

 And raped me viciously after I gave him consenting sex. He abused me in very humiliating ways for hours while with the purpose of impregnating me and impressing his depraved friends. Video taping me crying for help and release. While I was under the influence or alcohol that I knew of and date rape drugs that I didn't. And wasn't sure if it wasn't my fault. Obviously it was my fault I was there.

Date rape drugs that make you forget the incident until its too late to report. Even though my intuition wouldn't let me shower, I didn't remember why. 

That make you forget what happened. But remember later and I remember trying to say Taylor is going to kill you. 

And he said that I wouldn't even remember which seemed incredibly unlikely from the position I was in. In pain, told it would be over sooner if it looked like I was enjoying it. While he told his friend to watch me while he went and got a turkey baster to make sure I got pregnant. The rape wasn't enough. They wanted to hurt my baby, and hurt me further through her.

But he was right, I didn't remember even in the morning when he joked about cleaning the turkey baster.. with his friend who 'liked me. Whose parents house it was. Do you think your privileged life can protect you from your karma and being in hell next to him? With me crying and it's just us and you can help me, get me outta there, but you don't?

And Taylor didn't kill him. I didn't even tell Taylor until I remembered months later when we were on court trying to protect her and both of our intuition was going hard and he was almost having a stroke from hbp and stress. 

When he said this is not a case of rape, that's when memories of the Harley run flood back. Wtf. That's how I lost my hair stick that my mom got me in Costa Rica that I thought would protect me. It didn't. And Taylor didn't kill him.

And when my people wanted to kill him, break his knees.. I said mercy. Because my daughter is a gift under any circumstances I would do all of it again. She is a light that can't be negated. By any evil. 

Ryan was number 2 he was the rebound

 He knew it and I knew it. We would not have been compatible for anything serious. He seriously saved my life when I felt old and used up the first and second discard. 

Ryan was a dork, you were so cool. 

He was just a friend I developed deep feelings for but even as I was leaving New York and you to go on tour with him.. he was in my mind the carrot in front of the horse moving my stubborn body forward because you didn't want to deal with me, my feelings or my pain and I was alone and sad. Our kids depending on me to be who they knew me to be.

He bought me Larrapin sauce and fudge and Calamari and Oysters. I got dressed up to go eat and I dressed down to hike and we had fun. 

He called me the bearded woman and we laughed and I cried but he was still better than the life I was leaving. I didn't want to tell you I was unhappy. I didn't mean to be so unhappy. 

He was just a friend. The whole time he told me he wasn't capable of what I wanted and I was good for the escape. For the fun and attention. I am sorry because I only made it worse when we got back together. I didn't know we would.

I was surviving.

Now you have a lot of ammunition and you don't mind using it. Like I was some groupie, I didn't even know that term. I didn't know bar etiquette or how to be anything but mom and discarded wife. 

It felt good to be paraded around but that's all it was, fun. Fun to say 'I am with the band" and know all it meant was I was a sober ride for my friend and he was a safe sober ride for a few months maybe longer but not forever. 

Good conversation and company. Fun times that made me feel still less than. But more than you were making me feel being alone every night. Cheap thrills and I knew it. Was one of my dad's lectures, for me.

You let me go with the circus because you didn't tell me how you felt or you didn't know until I was gone with the kids and myself and you were the victim....but I barely survived my rebound, Ryan and my mom didn't. 

I am glad you have endless ammo hopefully to fight for me. But I doubt that because I am here again in no man's land with no friends and no fun because that's where you left me. No attention or fun; even if it was short lived and superficial I still miss feeling cared for. 

Being surprised and dated is better than someone saying they want you forever but not following through. Being there somedays 

I maybe expected it to work out for him and I since everything was upside down at that point in time and he took me home. Yeah I felt special.

But when I met him I thought he was arrogant and I told him straight out as I have told many men. 

I am 100÷ taken, married, in love and off the market and even after we went past 'just friend zone' I told him I wished it was you that wanted me and kept me. That we had celebrated 10 years, but we didn't. 

I would have remarried you if you had asked, if you actually wanted that. But instead I was being pursued by boys.

but the discard of dropping me at work balling my eyes out downtown 

listening to sublime

put me back on the market and vulnerable the first time.

Ryan made everything OK for the moment. We skipped work and ran around in the spring rain and he took me places I had never been...like the mattress factory and Andy Warhol. 

He fed me stir fry he cooked with cinnamon because him and Chris were out of ginger. How sad am I? I am a discarded wife falling for another girls man. And she walks in on me being in her home? As they are breaking up, she is with his best friend now but feels validated looking at me like trash and I am.

Because I am married with a 2 year old at home and I am 18. I am not special to anyone anymore actually.

He was safe and he did take care of me and it's almost how he had hoped in the beginning that you shared me. 

He just wanted to borrow me and give me back. Use me so to say, and you let him. Because you were distracted and unhappy and moved out of our forever home in Harrisville. And I was there with no friends or family besides the kids I had to keep smiling for.

I don't know where you were then but you helped pack us up and waved goodbye. 

Thank God for my best doggie Camo