For a moment i believed in love. I believed you loved me, or
that you held a key,
to unlock the treasures you once locked within me.
I believed for a brief moment it was enough, to connect us throughout mystory.
Do i think two much? Do i delve two deep?
Am i living, just to sleep?
I should answer questions just to ask some more
because after all isn't that what question askers like me,
are really for?
If i wasn't searching, what then would the journey be for?
If i held your hand and then you pulled away, would i be lost without you
Or just another day?
I may have stayed too long, or maybe wept aloud.. But
We saw it all together, as an impermenance
IT was written in a cloud.
Second mearly flashing by to entertain the mind
Finding some are fierce, finding some as kind.
I give it all away, take what you choose
This is how i live
I don't believe in win or lose.
I believe in love still, and in taking chances
I love the gift of second glances.
So take it all, I have it all to give
I my not be tomorrow so today is all to live.
If i empty myself before i die, that is better to me
than dying and feeling
i was not exhausted fully.
When i die my soul can rest because i searched for you
Knowing
I can rest at the end of this time
I searched for you love and it was divine.
Do i think myself as too important?
Is IT not so deep, am i awake now?
Are you still asleep
Though i fought, and cried
Ultimate peaces, for i lived and loved before i died. :)
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Creative non-fic
Yoga in Malibu
I was in Malibu, California just this past summer camping at Leo Carillo State Park and beach with my two kids and my husband. My husband, Taylor who I had been separated from for over a year before, but we had married when I was only 16 and I had spent over half of my life with him. He gave me security in my ever changing world of loneliness and isolation after my mothers passing. I felt that no one understood, but he gave me more empathy than he had ever given before. For that I am forever grateful. This was seven weeks after my mother had passed away from lung cancer, and right after my nephew’s and niece had decided to live with my brother instead of me. After I had been with my mom, even though I was the youngest. I faced it alone, because my big brother had to work out of town, and my big sister had been missing for years. This was after I had spent seven weeks with seven kids including my own two between 16 and 4 years old. It was hard for me to accept it, but I was healing and growing. Even though it hurt at the time I knew in my heart that we were being protected and looked after and that the universe was in perfect order, even if I wanted things to go differently. I could feel my mother’s spirit all around me, guiding me. That is where I was at mentally, physically and spiritually, when I was unsure if I would ever truly be happy or feel like myself again a very cosmic funny thing happened to me.
I woke up early in the tent and while it was still dark and cool outside and my family slept in, I tip-toed out. Teary eyed with grief, I got up and grabbed my yoga mat that was in front of the tent. It was set up like a welcome mat at the door. I rolled it up quickly and quietly, tying the little pink ribbon in a bow around it as I did. I walked toward the crashing and hushing sounds of the surf with direction, and purpose. Although I didn‘t know exactly where I was going to plant myself and my mat. I looked ahead of me and it seemed the whole ground was covered with rocks, large and small. No good, because my mat was not a thick pink rubber pad like some, mine is a simple grass mat, with a pink fabric trim on it.
A ray of sun broke through the morning sky and lit a tiny sandy spot that was perfect, because it looked flat and the sand looked soft. I found my way through the large rocks and carefully made it to the little sandy spot. It had a good view of the ocean, up and down the coast I could see the seals and dolphins at play from where I was up on the bluff. No one was out on the beach or in the water yet. Perfect I thought, peace.
The air was cool and crisp even in summer. The sun was starting to break through the foggy cloud cover. I took a nice deep breath and let go of all thoughts. I went on autopilot and started stretching, bending, folding and pushing my body with the best form I have ever maintained. I held the pose of “Tree”, arms outstretched further than I knew I could reach. Higher and higher, my arms swayed like the branches of a tree, my foot deeply rooted in the sand while the other was folded and resting on my thigh. I held this pose for I don't even know how long, and the whole time I kept breathing and feeling. Every sensation felt new. It felt so good after all that I had been through with losing my mom and also my mind, trying to raise seven kids alone afterwards.
I have done yoga for ten years, always thinking as I did, "Do I inhale now or exhale? I can't get that just right, but whatever." but this day it just flowed out of me. I closed my eyes and the imperfections went unnoticed. I listened as the waves rose high, crested, then rolled in and broke with a crash.
I heard my breath and body, it was like a quiet, little ocean, crashing and hushing with my movements. Cool ocean spray misted my face. I opened my eyes and a woman a little older than myself approached. "May I join you?" she asked sweetly. "It just looks so good, I could use some of that." she said. I said "Of course." That was it. I am not a teacher of yoga, fact is I had done it wrong for ten years.
The first day I get it right on an empty beach, the universe presents someone to share it with. I didn't instruct her as much as she mirrored me and when I took a breath in it was audible and so was hers. We did Sun Salutation which is a series of poses, over and over until I heard her breathing in unison with me instead of following me. After about twenty more minutes I looked at her, and her cheeks were flushed. I could feel that mine were, too. The sun was out full force and people were milling about everywhere. Which I guess we had both been kind of oblivious to. I thanked her and she thanked me and we parted ways. It was one of the most beautiful movie like moments of my life.
I was in Malibu, California just this past summer camping at Leo Carillo State Park and beach with my two kids and my husband. My husband, Taylor who I had been separated from for over a year before, but we had married when I was only 16 and I had spent over half of my life with him. He gave me security in my ever changing world of loneliness and isolation after my mothers passing. I felt that no one understood, but he gave me more empathy than he had ever given before. For that I am forever grateful. This was seven weeks after my mother had passed away from lung cancer, and right after my nephew’s and niece had decided to live with my brother instead of me. After I had been with my mom, even though I was the youngest. I faced it alone, because my big brother had to work out of town, and my big sister had been missing for years. This was after I had spent seven weeks with seven kids including my own two between 16 and 4 years old. It was hard for me to accept it, but I was healing and growing. Even though it hurt at the time I knew in my heart that we were being protected and looked after and that the universe was in perfect order, even if I wanted things to go differently. I could feel my mother’s spirit all around me, guiding me. That is where I was at mentally, physically and spiritually, when I was unsure if I would ever truly be happy or feel like myself again a very cosmic funny thing happened to me.
I woke up early in the tent and while it was still dark and cool outside and my family slept in, I tip-toed out. Teary eyed with grief, I got up and grabbed my yoga mat that was in front of the tent. It was set up like a welcome mat at the door. I rolled it up quickly and quietly, tying the little pink ribbon in a bow around it as I did. I walked toward the crashing and hushing sounds of the surf with direction, and purpose. Although I didn‘t know exactly where I was going to plant myself and my mat. I looked ahead of me and it seemed the whole ground was covered with rocks, large and small. No good, because my mat was not a thick pink rubber pad like some, mine is a simple grass mat, with a pink fabric trim on it.
A ray of sun broke through the morning sky and lit a tiny sandy spot that was perfect, because it looked flat and the sand looked soft. I found my way through the large rocks and carefully made it to the little sandy spot. It had a good view of the ocean, up and down the coast I could see the seals and dolphins at play from where I was up on the bluff. No one was out on the beach or in the water yet. Perfect I thought, peace.
The air was cool and crisp even in summer. The sun was starting to break through the foggy cloud cover. I took a nice deep breath and let go of all thoughts. I went on autopilot and started stretching, bending, folding and pushing my body with the best form I have ever maintained. I held the pose of “Tree”, arms outstretched further than I knew I could reach. Higher and higher, my arms swayed like the branches of a tree, my foot deeply rooted in the sand while the other was folded and resting on my thigh. I held this pose for I don't even know how long, and the whole time I kept breathing and feeling. Every sensation felt new. It felt so good after all that I had been through with losing my mom and also my mind, trying to raise seven kids alone afterwards.
I have done yoga for ten years, always thinking as I did, "Do I inhale now or exhale? I can't get that just right, but whatever." but this day it just flowed out of me. I closed my eyes and the imperfections went unnoticed. I listened as the waves rose high, crested, then rolled in and broke with a crash.
I heard my breath and body, it was like a quiet, little ocean, crashing and hushing with my movements. Cool ocean spray misted my face. I opened my eyes and a woman a little older than myself approached. "May I join you?" she asked sweetly. "It just looks so good, I could use some of that." she said. I said "Of course." That was it. I am not a teacher of yoga, fact is I had done it wrong for ten years.
The first day I get it right on an empty beach, the universe presents someone to share it with. I didn't instruct her as much as she mirrored me and when I took a breath in it was audible and so was hers. We did Sun Salutation which is a series of poses, over and over until I heard her breathing in unison with me instead of following me. After about twenty more minutes I looked at her, and her cheeks were flushed. I could feel that mine were, too. The sun was out full force and people were milling about everywhere. Which I guess we had both been kind of oblivious to. I thanked her and she thanked me and we parted ways. It was one of the most beautiful movie like moments of my life.
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