Really me

 I never went to prom. I'm not that kind of girl. My cherry was gone. I was a child. A baby actually. It's not your fault you chose broken 

you are broken too.

I never got carried over the altar or proposed to. It's not your fault I was broken and what was left of me craving love was enough. When you unproposed it was enough. Charlie's was enough but I never was. I was the girl, the friend you married, The Stranger really. I told you everything and you told me when you were going out.

I was the one friend who was left alone at night. I was lonely and longing and wondering if life would ever be good enough for me. If anyone would want to be with me and help me heal and be worthy of the love I give. Or would I be people pleasing forever?

You were good enough for me. But I am not. Not wifey material. Not soft enough, my edges are sharp as I have been a participant in life. Dealing with the threats daily.

Me and my confidence/confidantes talk about what a bitch you have been. Where I see you, you are sitting at the head of this imaginary table heading all preceding over my love and life telling me right from wrong because you know better. And an arrangement is not the only holy union you have seen. 

I believed in divorce more than marriage when we did it.  And didn't know of an everlasting pain until I wanted free of the hurt of not being enough for you meanwhile you never asking who I was. Meanwhile me never telling you how shallow I was and why it hurt. How easy it would be to reach down and pluck the pain away. How childish I was once too..

By finding a shiny stone and knowing it was shiny and special. And taking it home.

But you sit in high Court holding order and calm explaining how I didn't deserve this and everything is cool and calm and life is unfair and no one cares. And we actually laugh together because you are judge and jury over my past present and future. How ridiculous because no one cares anymore. The paparazzi is gone. And we can get into our cars and just leave after it all.

And that's fine because I get up die a little more and i do life again everyday like it's my last day.

I didn't expect you.

know that this is expected of life 

I'm just the other half who doesn't understand how this could ever work or not work