Thanks and Praises

A Different Place

2010-12-06T10:03:00.000-08:00

When I began writing this blog I can see that I was deeply unhappy,
and in reading it now I feel sad for me;
Pity was not my goal, and if you happen to read it,
Let it not be your role.
I just need to share my story.
Awaken your senses....
When I open my infant eyes is when I can realize and idealize life all around and within my wind, you win; the world continues to spin. I let go of past pains and feel every drop of rain right now it cascades down and I turn into a clown. I'm three again with mud to my knees, drenched from rain, covered in debris. It's nice to be happy, it's great to be free, even sweeter is the victory.

Some crazy inspiration

2009-07-26T09:28:00.000-07:00

For a moment i believed in love. I believed you loved me, or
that you held a key,
to unlock the treasures you once locked within me.

I believed for a brief moment it was enough, to connect us throughout mystory.

Do i think two much? Do i delve two deep?
Am i living, just to sleep?
I should answer questions just to ask some more
because after all isn't that what question askers like me,
are really for?

If i wasn't searching, what then would the journey be for?

If i held your hand and then you pulled away, would i be lost without you
Or just another day?

I may have stayed too long, or maybe wept aloud.. But
We saw it all together, as an impermenance
IT was written in a cloud.

Second mearly flashing by to entertain the mind
Finding some are fierce, finding some as kind.

I give it all away, take what you choose
This is how i live
I don't believe in win or lose.

I believe in love still, and in taking chances
I love the gift of second glances.
So take it all, I have it all to give
I my not be tomorrow so today is all to live.

If i empty myself before i die, that is better to me
than dying and feeling
i was not exhausted fully.

When i die my soul can rest because i searched for you

Knowing
I can rest at the end of this time

I searched for you love and it was divine.

Do i think myself as too important?
Is IT not so deep, am i awake now?
Are you still asleep

Though i fought, and cried
Ultimate peaces, for i lived and loved before i died. :)

Creative non-fic

2009-07-21T01:59:00.000-07:00

Yoga in Malibu
I was in Malibu, California just this past summer camping at Leo Carillo State Park and beach with my two kids and my husband. My husband, Taylor who I had been separated from for over a year before, but we had married when I was only 16 and I had spent over half of my life with him. He gave me security in my ever changing world of loneliness and isolation after my mothers passing. I felt that no one understood, but he gave me more empathy than he had ever given before. For that I am forever grateful. This was seven weeks after my mother had passed away from lung cancer, and right after my nephew’s and niece had decided to live with my brother instead of me. After I had been with my mom, even though I was the youngest. I faced it alone, because my big brother had to work out of town, and my big sister had been missing for years. This was after I had spent seven weeks with seven kids including my own two between 16 and 4 years old. It was hard for me to accept it, but I was healing and growing. Even though it hurt at the time I knew in my heart that we were being protected and looked after and that the universe was in perfect order, even if I wanted things to go differently. I could feel my mother’s spirit all around me, guiding me. That is where I was at mentally, physically and spiritually, when I was unsure if I would ever truly be happy or feel like myself again a very cosmic funny thing happened to me.
I woke up early in the tent and while it was still dark and cool outside and my family slept in, I tip-toed out. Teary eyed with grief, I got up and grabbed my yoga mat that was in front of the tent. It was set up like a welcome mat at the door. I rolled it up quickly and quietly, tying the little pink ribbon in a bow around it as I did. I walked toward the crashing and hushing sounds of the surf with direction, and purpose. Although I didn‘t know exactly where I was going to plant myself and my mat. I looked ahead of me and it seemed the whole ground was covered with rocks, large and small. No good, because my mat was not a thick pink rubber pad like some, mine is a simple grass mat, with a pink fabric trim on it.
A ray of sun broke through the morning sky and lit a tiny sandy spot that was perfect, because it looked flat and the sand looked soft. I found my way through the large rocks and carefully made it to the little sandy spot. It had a good view of the ocean, up and down the coast I could see the seals and dolphins at play from where I was up on the bluff. No one was out on the beach or in the water yet. Perfect I thought, peace.
The air was cool and crisp even in summer. The sun was starting to break through the foggy cloud cover. I took a nice deep breath and let go of all thoughts. I went on autopilot and started stretching, bending, folding and pushing my body with the best form I have ever maintained. I held the pose of “Tree”, arms outstretched further than I knew I could reach. Higher and higher, my arms swayed like the branches of a tree, my foot deeply rooted in the sand while the other was folded and resting on my thigh. I held this pose for I don't even know how long, and the whole time I kept breathing and feeling. Every sensation felt new. It felt so good after all that I had been through with losing my mom and also my mind, trying to raise seven kids alone afterwards.
I have done yoga for ten years, always thinking as I did, "Do I inhale now or exhale? I can't get that just right, but whatever." but this day it just flowed out of me. I closed my eyes and the imperfections went unnoticed. I listened as the waves rose high, crested, then rolled in and broke with a crash.
I heard my breath and body, it was like a quiet, little ocean, crashing and hushing with my movements. Cool ocean spray misted my face. I opened my eyes and a woman a little older than myself approached. "May I join you?" she asked sweetly. "It just looks so good, I could use some of that." she said. I said "Of course." That was it. I am not a teacher of yoga, fact is I had done it wrong for ten years.
The first day I get it right on an empty beach, the universe presents someone to share it with. I didn't instruct her as much as she mirrored me and when I took a breath in it was audible and so was hers. We did Sun Salutation which is a series of poses, over and over until I heard her breathing in unison with me instead of following me. After about twenty more minutes I looked at her, and her cheeks were flushed. I could feel that mine were, too. The sun was out full force and people were milling about everywhere. Which I guess we had both been kind of oblivious to. I thanked her and she thanked me and we parted ways. It was one of the most beautiful movie like moments of my life.

I really actually enjoy putting a pen to paper, but..

2009-07-19T11:49:00.000-07:00

I may save a few trees and have less journals to lug around if I keep up with this blog, so I'm going to try. I liked the idea of writing everyday because sometimes I don't feel that inspired, but I write and then something finds it's way out. Any ordinary day has a story to tell you know?

Almost done!

2009-07-19T09:54:00.000-07:00

What will I do when school is over? This has been a long summer, full of homework, work and family. Now I need to get to the beach for a few days.
I think I may start over for my final draft. I was in Malibu camping on the beach last summer and a funny thing happened to me, and I think it would be a good story. I woke up early in the tent and while it was cool and my family slept I tip-toed out. I grabbed my yoga mat that was in front of the tent like a welcome mat. I walked toward the crashing and hushing sound with purpose. Then I found a little sandy spot with a good vista of the ocean from up on a bluff. The air was cool and crisp even in summer. The sun was starting to break through the foggy cloud cover. I took a nice deep breath and let go of all thoughts. I went on autopiliot and started stretching, bending, folding and pushing my body with the best form I have ever maintained. I held tree for I don't even know how long and the whole time I kept breathing and feeling. I have done yoga for ten years, always thinking as I did it, "Do I inhale now or exhale? I can't get that just right, but whatever." but this day it just flowed and the imperfections were not noticable to me. I watched as the waves rose high cresting, then rolling in and breaking with a crash and cooler ocean spray misted my face. I opened my eyes and a woman a little older than myself approached. "May I join you?" she asked sweetly. "It just looks so good, I could use some of that." she said. I said "Of course." That was it. I am not a teacher of yoga, fact is I had done it wrong for ten years. The first day I get it right on an empty beach, the universe presents someone to share it with. I didn't instruct her as much as she mirrored me and when I took a breath in it was audible and so was hers. After about twenty more minutes I looked at her, and her cheeks were flushed. I could feel that mine were, too. The sun was out full force and people were milling about everywhere. I thanked her and she thanked me and we parted ways. It was one of the most beautiful movie like moments of my life.

Writer's block?

2009-07-16T21:42:00.000-07:00

I can try and blame it on something but I 'd rather just tell the truth. I am worn out. The only thing I can think to post quick and easy is poetry. I am ridiculously good at simple rhymes to state my point.
Is there any truth? Peace or contentment or sanity? I don't mean to act crazy. What is normality? I write to erase all that is wrong with me. Simply being me renews my will, for something better.
A little morbid, but funny too....
Loneliness eats at me- bitterness laughs.
Naivety jumps out the window to join innocence which is splattered on the ground decaying.
Angels fly by dropping love that quenches me for now. I let loneliness feast on me and bitterness have it's fun at my expense.
I fall in love and loneliness, and bitterness, naivety and innocence are replaced with grace.
Pain is just a shadow, a ghost next to my joys!

2009-07-12T15:55:00.000-07:00

Today I am dreamy, thinking of far off places like the pacific which really is not that far away. It feels like that though. I got a massage today which I guess started it all for me, because my therapist was using a mild euculyptus oil. This made me think of traveling down the shelter cove road and about the time you smell the euculyptus trees you are there. Eating fish and chips, yummy! It also smells like that at Bear Harbor, one of my most favorite spots ever!! Agh it is hot and uncomfortable in this heat. I go to the river all the time, but it's not enough. I want to go where the ocean brings in cool air and I can breathe. I am buried under a bad economy, too much school work, not enough real connections, and generally just needing a vaca and not getting it. The gypsy in me is screaming... Go somewhere, anywhere. I just really want to be now here. Once I get out to the river I won't feel this bad but right now all I can think of is cold surf, and good seafood.

Can't edit my 3rd draft so I guess I have to re-type it

2009-07-05T11:25:00.000-07:00

Creative writing class is so fun, but I guess it's alot of work too. I took too many classes this semester and I am going crazy trying to keep a decent GPA. I know checking in here is an assignment so I thought I could journal about how sad that I am that things are not going easier. Ok.. boo hoo.. I feel better. Back to work.

more poetry

2009-07-04T21:55:00.000-07:00

Growing up I went crazy as teenagers sometimes do, I went partying and did things that I hope my kids don't do. I bungee jumped off a bridge after a party late at night, drank so much I was still sick in the morning time. Ate breakfast at the Woodrose. Then I moved away. When I came back I was married to my husband, Taylor and had my son, Jerry. It was our honeymoon, it wasn't long enough to show and share all the places and memories, So when my son was three years old we moved home for me. Like a salmon it just felt right, to take my kids there and let the natural beauty be their birthright, too. I wanted Jerry to go to the Ferndale fair. He did and we rode the Zipper, too. We swam in the ocean and rivers deep blue. We played pretend in the sand at the beach and in the deep forests too. We found four leafed clovers and made wishes on stars, and stayed untill my son Jerry was eight. Then we found a house to buy and moved by that fate. My daughter was born and there we go again. Just last summer we all went back again, to all the places I love with memories full of family and friends. A place I feel a girl, with my whole new clan. To sit on a redwood burl, and feel so close to the spirit of that tree, and all it's years of history. All the families just like mine, that would never feel this good in any other space and time.

2009-07-01T17:23:00.001-07:00

I am just checking in. My family is waiting to go to the river for a picnic. Hopefully I will get some inspiration and have something to post later.

More L.C. Childhood

2009-06-26T23:30:00.000-07:00

Where I can.
Where I can go to be alone.
A place in Cali that I call home.
A place where in elementary ten kids made up the class,
Teacher’s teach wisdom to share and pass.
The grade, a giant tree with shade when pine cones made a game of lunch.
A field trip was a day the class collectively hugged a tree,
That’s the only way it was possible, unable individually.
Feeling the softness of the redwood bark on our skin,
Plastic anything would never feel as good again.
I dove deep in rivers and the creek too
Throughout the summer there was nothing else to do.
I chased salamanders and snakes chased me,
But lying in the sun I felt free.
Myself and best friends, Melissa, Shala and Berry.
Track and field and running on Clam beach.. Watch out for jellyfish we all screech.
Riding the zipper at the fair, Screaming and screaming wow what a scare.
All my life- I’m still there.
A girl at the fair.

The Lost Coast, home

2009-06-24T21:27:00.000-07:00

I am in love,
With a place they call the lost coast.
I just call it home.
True that it's
Full of lost souls,
But where I find me,
and dream my goals.
The river there runs up to the sea,
Which is the opposite of normally.
Trees there grow to unreal heights,
couples carry on crazy fights.
Stars shine brighter on any night,
than anywhere. Else
The ocean is dark and so unknown,
Notoriously a great place to be alone.
No matter how long I am gone or how far I roam,
It's still the place I call my home.

So hard to write without a pen...

2009-06-24T21:25:00.000-07:00

What I have been doing is writting it out, by the time I type it in I am on my second draft. I post here what I write during the week. Hope that meets assignment criteria.

I re-wrote a poem I like Am I Lost? by Mary Oliver

2009-06-24T21:13:00.001-07:00

Am I found?
I think.

Do I know I am here?
I am sure I do.

Have I felt more sorrow?
Everyday before today.

Am I found?
I am found.

Do I know I am here?
I do.

Have I felt sadness?
Tomarrow I will, again
Today I am found.

Warm-up (pg 308)

2009-06-24T21:04:00.000-07:00

She holds his hand in hers as she holds it all in. Everything. She holds on
to all she been fighting for, for so long.

Something breaks inside and God begins to win,
they still continue on until the very end.

In the end it's her son who lets go.
God's will overcomes his broken body
With it comes his homesick soul.

As he is welcomed home....
Her fist is clenched and everything inside that fist.
She knows her son will always here be missed.

Amber's New Light

2009-06-21T20:16:00.000-07:00

Amber could remember vividly the last night that she and Mike had sat at the table for dinner together. She had felt the wall between them strengthening. Amber looked around the dining room and noticed how much she was compromising in her marriage to Mike. From the design of the crown molding on the ceiling, to the color of the walls, even the style of furniture was not for her. It was hideous to her. It looked like an old museum of ugly and drab to her. It all suited Mike and didn’t suit Amber’s bright and colorful personality or style at all. Amber glanced at Mike. He was so distant. Something felt so out of place, or was it that nothing seemed quite right? Or was it Amber that was not quite right? After being married for three years maybe this is how love was supposed to be. She looked at Mike again, this time he pretended not to notice and she thought to herself… or maybe not. She crumbled with uneasiness inside herself, and blended in with the eggshells she carefully walked around on everyday. She became non-existent, and Mike never even noticed. It had been Mike’s suggestion that she dye her hair. She felt crushed as she recalled his snippy little comments and irritated by her new hair color. Trying to please him she had dyed her hair a few shades lighter and it looked horrible, it made her skin look pasty and that had made her feel old.
They were halfway through dinner and the only conversation was the all out battle raging in Amber’s mind. She filled her glass to the brim with wine, Joe nodded and she tipped his off as well. The phone rang. She was oblivious in her thoughts and didn’t hear it. Her marriage was empty, she felt no passion for the stranger across from her. Worse she felt very little of anything lately. Over and over again she wondered, ‘What is wrong with me?’. There was no end to her mind’s fury. “Are you going to get that?” his voice was so sharp, as if she was a disobedient child. She nervously smiled, “Yeah, sorry I didn’t hear it.” She got up and answered it on the third ring.
After the shock of it, Amber didn’t feel uneasiness anymore. She felt balanced, as the cold night filled her lungs. Her mind was quiet for the first time in a long time, and it was validated. She had known something was off in her marriage. Now she knew that she wasn’t crazy, and at least for her, marriage and love should be better than this had been with Mike. He stood next to her explaining and apologizing, and she stood stoic behind her own walls. She owed him nothing and it was time she started living and feeling again.
This was a different lifetime for Amber, and as she opened her eyes she felt alive and young again. She spun and her body flowed with everything in the room, until it was all a hazy motion, a blur in time displayed as light reflecting every spectrum of being human. Fear, joy, forgiveness and everything in this blur we call life. It was a new life beginning for her. She’s forgiving herself, letting go of her fears. Her spirit is renewing as she’s filled with joy of the unknown. Sound waves of vibration from the loud music make her dance through her broken marriage and move on. Her heart is beating wildly and is healing. Amber grasped at this feeling.. This deep desire to live and love and trust again.
Amber’s heart pumps loudly with the music. Their dance is electric. People circle the two and clap to the beat. He smiles as he twirls her around again, and again. Who is this stranger? It doesn’t even matter. He’s making her laugh wildly in this moment of healing. She smiles too, and it’s genuine. It’s as true and bright as the moon was in the sky the night that she had answered that call. It had been two years since Jenna, “a friend”, had called to say that Mike, Amber’s husband of three years, had been secretly meeting with her for several months, and that they had fallen in love. In that moment Amber felt the wind being knocked out of her and she fell to the floor. She dropped the phone, unable to speak.
Amber walked out into the icy cold night, and took a deep breath. She could see and feel the intense cold engulfing her. It was almost as cold as Mike had been the last weeks together. While they lay together one night he had so bluntly said to her, ‘you would actually be attractive if you would put more effort into your appearance‘. That night looking up at the sky she knew things had to change, she had to change. Tonight is so many moments away from that moment on that night. Amber is alive with happiness and hope for the future. Alternatively, across town Jenna just got a call from Mike that made her fall to the floor.

The Lion and the Mousey Man

2009-06-21T20:12:00.000-07:00

The Lion and the Mouse Retold by Christina Brown
A man stood alone wearing a dark suit with pin stripes of grey like he was wearing a heavy armor. His look demanded respect and his shoes gleaned in the early morning light. He grasped tightly to his briefcase with intent focusing on the days good sales. The sun peeked then bloomed high in the sky like a flower in spring. Like ice melting under heat, the colors of dawn began melting into day. Everything shone clean and bright, even the damp city streets. The man awaited his train. He was a lion, king of sales, in his mind he was invincible.
Other people began showing up and one by one as they did, the man felt less and less secure in himself. They crowded the platform, and he shuffled his feet nervously. Someone bumped into him and he jumped away. He felt stifled and smothered, it was as if these others were sucking the life out of him. Stealing his breath right from his body. They all crowded, pushed and squeezed without regard.
The train arrived a minute late but it felt as if an hour had passed for the salesman, he had anxiously glanced at his watch numerous times within that sixty seconds. He let the crowd go ahead to avoid being bumped again. Finally when he thought he had enough room, he boarded. He found an empty row and settled into his seat with his briefcase occupying the seat beside him.
The lion was a great salesman in his element and people were his expertise. Outside the office though he was less than confidant. He liked the safety and distance that his office gave him from his clients, between them was a phone and who knows how many miles depending on where he was calling. Without this safety he felt small and insecure.
The man arrived at his office and unlocked the door, with it his stronger persona. Behind the desk at last he was a lion again, ready to conquer the world of sales. He took a deep breath and exhaled the insecure little man that took up residence in him outside of the office. He lifted the phone and dialed. The lion roared, “This is Andy Smite, from Bales o‘ Sales”.
Six hours and many successful sales later, the thickly armored, lion man was leaving his office. A simple looking man in a simple suit approached him asking to speak to him about a job. Andy was not impressed by the man’s demeanor. The man introduced himself meekly, his name was Tim and he’d been trying to reach Andy for some time and he would like nothing more than to work at Bales o’ Sales. Andy thought that he could rid himself of the nuisance quickly so he brought Tim into his office.
“Why do you want to work here? What can you offer?” the lion roared out of Andy. As simple as his suit was his statement, “ I think I can benefit your company if given the chance.” before Tim could say anything else, the lion laughed arrogantly. “You benefit me? I don‘t see how.” It was then a quick exchange, only as polite as needed to be, with a handshake the lion and mouse parted ways.
Andy Smite, the salesman, stood at the platform a few minutes later waiting for his train, the thought of Tim was far from his mind. He loosely held his briefcase and waited. The sun was slowly sinking and settling down for the day, as was Andy settling back into himself. He noticed a haggard looking lone man at the other end of the platform from him, disgusted by his drunkenness he looked away only to see another haggard looking man approaching from the other direction. Andy felt a lump in his throat rise and fall as he swallowed nervously.
The men starting yelling about the scum of the city, rich businessmen, they said and Andy knew they meant him. He was weak, surrounded and trapped. His worst fear was coming true when they grabbed at him. When one was just about on top of Andy and the other grabbing his case, the mousey man showed up. He yelled at the men to stop. “The cops are on the way and I can see what you look like,” Tim kept on insisting “better get outta here.” The scrounge thieves heard a siren coming closer, they dropped Andy and his case while running away.
Andy tried to regain his composure, as Tim helped him to his feet. To Andy’s surprise the siren got softer as it turned the corner away from the men on the platform. With his loud lion laugh, the same one that Tim had heard directed at him, now with him, Andy realized and said, “You never called did you?”. “ No” replied Tim.

wow this week went fast

2009-06-14T22:34:00.000-07:00

I am going to start my writer's workshop here and then just copy and paste it over. This is my creative non-fiction draft 1.

I held her hand and in it everything she was to me; mom, friend, stability, and home. I stayed close and hovered over. She longed for freedom from her ailing body, and rejected me. Her eyes would not open, she wouldn't speak, and finally she didn't grasp my hand. Her pain was gone and her faith remained. I read to her about her place in heaven, I sang to her songs that will haunt me forever, and lay by her side. I prayed to God all night to save my mom and spare us all the heartache, all in vain because this was meant to be. i thought she was improving one minute and the next, I knew she was dying. I sat up all that night, the first night it was just her and I. No hospice nurses there, no family friends to keep vigilence with me. Just me by her side and the four beautiful souls she was raising by the circumstance that their mother, my older sister was an addict and missing. Actually five, but the oldest had stayed out at a friends that night. I knew what was happening when she started to gasp, because I was told what to expect by hospice staff. I didn't want to believe it though. Gasp...gasp..gasp, like a fish out of water and then she was gone. I knew she was but I hugged what held my mom's spirit for 52 years and cried. Then I thought wait we didn't decide on a sign for her to let me know she is still here with us even on the other side. I was heartbroken, I felt my whole self shatter and become a different version of me, a version that would always deeply be missing someone. I checked the time...5:55 am, I went outside and heard a symphony of birds. That was the sign, and as I fell to my knees and cried a large bird landed near me and squaked untill I looked up and wiped away my tears. I had to go inside and call hospice for help, and figure out how I was going to protect the kids upstairs from the heartache that I was feeling. I called hospice and my oldest nefew and told him to come home.